25 Foods: Heiji & Kazuha
by Strawberry'd
Summary: HeijiKazuha Because the only way to a man's heart is through his stomach. 03: Unexpected Pest. Heiji goes to Kazuha's in the middle of the night to rid her of an unwanted pest.
1. Dynamic Duo – 019: cooking oil

**Dynamic Duo  
**_Strawberry'd  
_May 1, 2007 - June 16, 2007

Disclaimer: I don't own, unfortunately, own Detective Conan. Nor can I think up witty disclaimers, so you, Reader, will have to make do with this one.  
Word count: 1 262 words  
Theme: #19 – cooking oil

* * *

It was days like this when Kazuha was most fearful. She braced herself before turning a corner. She clutched a heavy-duty, brass-buckle-adorned dictionary-laden purse to her side, ready to use it at any time. She would have also employed the use of a baseball bat if it weren't so conspicuous.

Because on days like this, the worst possible misfortune that could ever befall someone had befallen Kazuha.

That's right. _He _was here. Heiji's arch-nemesis, his greatest rival, his best friend: Kudo Shinichi.

And together, well, let's just say the world wasn't completely ready for that.

The first time he had visited, Kazuha was blissfully ignorant of what was to come. Bounding up the steps to Heiji's house, she rapped on the door and waited. Usually it didn't take more than a minute before she heard the sounds of feet pounding down stairs or floors. The lock would click and the door would swing open – to Heiji's wide smile or dark scowl.

But today there was nothing. Tilting her head, Kazuha wondered if perhaps the house was empty and the Hattori clan had gone out, but no, she distinctly recalled Heiji saying he had nothing to do that Saturday afternoon. So what was going on?

And then it came… the door burst open quite suddenly, as Kazuha was about to knock again. She drew back quickly, startled and was pushed out of the way by a male arm. The male the arm belonged to scurried down the street, great guffaws emitting from his mouth.

"What…? "

"KUDO!" A roar came. A very familiar roar. Heiji's roar. There was a flurry of noises then, a crash, something shattering, rushing water… and then…

"Heiji, what's going–" Whatever Kazuha was about to say was lost as a bucketful of water collided into her.

Heiji stood very still before the door. He blinked a few times as his mouth gaped. He took in the sight of Kazuha, Kazuha on his door step, Kazuha wearing a white shirt, Kazuha soaking wet from the bucket he just… Crap.

She gave him five seconds to run.

It was a while before Kudo Shinichi visited Osaka again, but it happened nonetheless. Although Kazuha knew now that together, they were the harbingers of disaster, she first thought it to be a fluke. After all, things like what had happened couldn't happen more than once, right?

Wrong.

This time, she had already been invited into the house, sitting primly on the living room couch. A glass of iced tea was in her hand (it was currently the sweltering summer) and fuzzy pink slippers encasing her feet.

She was a little wary of the Hattori household, knowing both Shinichi and Heiji were in it, but, she supposed, she was ready this time.

Unfortunately, it was one of those things that you could never be ready for.

"Hattori, I know you're down there!" A voice she recognized to be Kudo's called from the other side of the house. She stood up, prepared to dive under the couch if necessary.

"Um, he isn't…" Her words died as a squeeze bottle appeared out of nowhere to shot a dark golden liquid at her. She recoiled, disgusted, as the slimy liquid slid down her skin. It was… maple syrup?

"Ha! I've got you now, you bastard!" Kazuha could only watch in horror as an explosion of white cotton rushed at her. She took two deep breaths, her mouth gaping open. Every single inch of her was covered… in white feathers, stuck to the maple syrup Kudo had sprayed on her prior.

Chortling, Kudo materialized from behind the corner and stopped dead. "Ka…zuha."

"Call Ran-chan."

"What?"

Kazuha cracked her knuckles. She had what could only be called a murderous expression on her face. "This might be the last time you can actually say something to her."

An odd sound, much like a squeak, emerged from his throat. "Ha… Hattori… save me."

The third and final incident involving Kudo Shinichi was the most traumatizing, in Kazuha's opinion. So traumatizing in fact, that she didn't think she could ever recollect the event(s) without cringing in horror or bursting a nerve. Bubble gum, peanut oil, electricity and nine inch corkscrews did _not_ make for happy bedfellows and Kazuha really, really, _really_ did not want anything to do with them ever again.

That is why when she first stepped out of her bedroom and padded down the hallway in bare feet, turning the corner into her sitting room, Kazuha shrieked like a banshee and threw herself on the ground, covering her head protectively.

Silence.

"Kazuha, what are you doing?" A less-than-amused voice met her eyes. She opened one eye cautiously and jumped slightly to see Heiji's face about three inches from her own.

"I saw Kudo-kun…" She trailed off. That was all the explanation needed.

"Well, he's a guest of mine, so you can't be rude to him," Heiji frowned at Kazuha and sat back on his heels, glaring at Kudo who was failing to try and hide his chuckles.

Kazuha sheepishly untangled herself from the floor and sat on the sofa, grinning uncertainly. "I'll get some tea… don't move!" She eyed the pristine white lace table cover for a second and snatched it up, cradling it in her arms. "For safety."

Kudo nodded. "Reasonable. I wouldn't trust anything write in my presence either." He grinned widely, making Kazuha suspicious and anxious about her white shirt. She was going to have to change it now.

As quickly as she could, Kazuha returned to the living room, praying to God that nothing was broken, dirty, or about to explode.

Things were… relatively calm. Kudo-kun and Heiji were in an intense argument about Sherlock Holmes and Ellery Queen, but it wasn't anything she hadn't heard before. And if they were still sitting down, well, things were almost normal.

Which made Kazuha instantly suspicious.

"What did you do?"

Heiji glanced at her, mouth still open from the retort he gave. "What?"

"She said, 'what did you do?'" Shinichi replied. Heiji glared at him.

"What do you mean, 'what did you do'?" Heiji asked, a frown on his face.

"You aren't screaming at each other, throwing things, or making my living room a disaster area, so something's wrong!" Kazuha answered, her hands on her hips after she placed the tea tray on the table.

"We _can_ hold a conversation with breaking something," Heiji said.

"No, we can't." Shinichi said with a grin.

"Yes, we – Hey! Just whose side are you on, anyways?"

"The winning side." Another wide grin.

Heiji sputtered. "The winning side? Hers? You've got to be kidding me!"

"Hey!" Kazuha interrupted, scowling. "Mine is definitely the winning side."

"Oh yeah? Just what have you got that I haven't got?"

"Kudo-kun!"

"Like he's any help!"

"Then why do _you_ want him?"

"Like I said," Shinichi said smoothly. "The winning side."

As Heiji sputtered some more, Shinichi slapped his back amiably. "It's time you learn that you never argue with the opposite sex. They will always win."

"Thank you, Kudo-kun." Kazuha smiled beatifically and Heiji just grimaced.

"I'll get you for that," Heiji hissed at his best friend.

"Not in my house." Kazuha said firmly, pushing the two of them out of the room. "Heiji, you know your way out. Kudo-kun, have a nice stay in Osaka and Heiji, please don't blow up Osaka Castle."

She grinned at Heiji's cry of resentment and Kudo-kun's snort of amusement before heading to her room for a nap; they had tired her out like two bickering toddlers only could.

* * *

**AN:** Well, that was interesting. I actually started off with an entirely different concept but found it wouldn't really work with what I had written, and I wasn't going to rewrite it all… so yes. The first of my 25 Foods fic here on ffn. I'm terrible with fic challenges so we'll see how this turns out.

I couldn't think of a good way to end it, so I just left it like that. No romance in this one, but there definitely will be some in the next (higher rating as well 8D;;).


	2. Innuendo – 021: whipped cream

**Innuendo  
**_Strawberry'd  
_May 08, 2007

Disclaimer: Don't own Detective Conan. Don't own whipped cream or ties either. Unfortunately.  
Word count: 487  
Theme: #21 – whipped cream (writer's choice)

* * *

It had been a long day. Heiji trudged up the stairs to his house, his arms hanging limply by his sides. His bag dragged on the ground behind him, but Heiji didn't have the strength to lift it to his shoulder. 

Reaching the door, he tugged it open sullenly, intensely grateful for the air conditioning that blasted through the house, giving him reprieve from the sweltering temperatures of a summer in Japan.

"I'm home." He said, kicking off his black, polished shoes. Heiji walked down the hall at a snail's pace; he lost his bag somewhere back and his feet were glad to be rid of the tight, pinching shoes.

"Welcome back!" Kazuha bounded towards him, a smile on her face. She took one look at him and laughed, a joyful sound that never failed to have an effect on him. His eyes opened a little wider, his gaze more focused. "I know how much you hate suits, but you need to wear them every now and then."

Heiji scowled, slipping off his jacket. "I don't understand why we can't wear casual clothes and running shoes." He fell into the comfy armchair in the living room, long limbs ungracefully falling with him. "If there's anything I hate more than a murderer, it's paper work."

Kazuha only laughed again, sitting gingerly on the arm of the chair. "I take it you had a bad day?"

"Every day with paper work is a bad day." He grumbled, his eyes settling on his wife of three years. Her hair was still pulled back in a smooth ponytail, tied by a colourful ribbon. Her face hadn't changed since their younger years; if anything, she grew more beautiful each day. A dark red apron was tied around her waist, a few smudges of flour marring its otherwise clean appearance. He nodded towards her apron. "Did you bake a cake?"

"I did." Kazuha tilted her head at him, her eyes dancing. "Ran-chan came over earlier and we ate it all."

"All…?" A hint of a frown emerged on Heiji's face. "There's nothing left?"

"Well," Kazuha's lips quirked at the edges, smiling mischievously. "I do have a bit of whipped cream left over. You can help me finish it, if you want?"

"Oh?" Heiji raised his eyebrows. "And how will I help you finish it?"

"How do you think you'll help me finish it?" Her small smirk grew into a full grin as she wrapped her hand around his tie, pulling it towards her and standing up.

Heiji's body followed, not wanting to be choked by the restricting material of the tie. He was soon pressed against his lovely wife, his arms slipping around her slender frame as she leaned into him.

"I'm open to suggestions." She whispered against his lips.

"Good," he murmured, a dark promise shimmering in his eyes, "because I've got a lot of ideas."

* * *

**AN:** This is for the 25 Foods fic challenge at Livejournal. I've got about three themes half-finished, so those'll be up soon, I think. Err, I hope you liked this one and yay for HeijiKazuha and yay for sexual tension and yay for sexual innuendo! Whoo! I hope you all liked it and weren't scared off by the ... higher rating. XD Of course, I'm not expecting anyone to be repelled by that. 


	3. Unexpected Pest – 012: m&ms

**Unexpected Pest**_  
Strawberry'd_  
September 19, 2007 – August 25, 2009

Disclaimer: Blah, blah, Gosho Aoyama, blah, blah, Detective Conan, blah, blah, I need more coffee. Idea stolen from a _Coupling_ episode. Great stuff, that.  
Word count: 910  
Theme: #12 – M & M's

* * *

Heiji drowsily climbed out of his cozy, warm bed and reached for the pair of pants he had flung onto the ground earlier that night. His eyes were half closed as he fumbled around in the dark, looking for his car keys and wallet.

She was going to _pay_.

* * *

It wasn't until she heard muffled cries from beyond her door did Kazuha sensed that something just might be wrong.

Cautiously, she crept to the door and peered through the eyehole. She breathed a sigh and opened the door. It was only Heiji.

"Heiji! What are you doing here so late?" She wrinkled her nose. "And why are your pants on backwards?"

"Don't you 'Heiji' me, Kazuha!" He all but growled and pushed past her into the apartment. "So? Where is the little bastard?"

Kazuha's eyes opened wide. How had word traveled so quickly? She knew one could never count on keeping Heiji in the dark for long, but this was ridiculous! It had barely been six hours!

"What?" She said hesitantly, hoping it was all a misunderstanding.

"That bastard! The bastard you've got cooped up here!" He spun around glaring at the walls and ceiling (she had no idea as to why). "I know you're in here!" He shouted.

"Heiji! It's late! You'll wake the neighbours!"

He looked at her, the indignant rage of a sleeping person unjustly woken up in his eyes. "So you have consideration for the _neighbours_, huh? But none for your best friend who answers your beck and call in the middle of the night!"

She just stared back, mutely. Before she could say a word, the door to the living room opened… and all hell broke loose.

"Kazuha-chan, I heard someone shouting, is everything… uh…"

Such was the power of the infamous murderous Heiji glare. There was an unfamiliar person in Kazuha's apartment, in the middle of the night, with no visible chaperone, calling her by her _first name_.

He took a step forward.

"Heiji. Calm down. It's not what you think."

"How do you know what I think, Kazuha?" He barely spared her a passing glance as he advanced on his unsuspecting victim… although by the menacing prowl and the homicidal glare on his face, said victim should have had enough hint to send him running for hills. As it were, he looked uncertainly from Heiji to Kazuha and back to Heiji again.

"Stop it, Heiji. This is Ryoutarou-kun. We're studying together."

At that, Heiji whirled around to face Kazuha. "Studying?" He spat. "It's," he took a quick look at his watch, "four o'clock in the morning!"

"Yes, it is and – wait. Why are you even here at this time?" Kazuha gave him an appraising look, knowing his penchant for being the heaviest sleeper alive.

"Let's not talk about what _I'm_ here when you're the one that called me!"

"What?" Kazuha planted her hands on her hips. "I did not!"

"Yes, you did!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Uh…" Their dispute was interrupted by Ryoutarou.

"What?" Heiji spat.

"Sorry, Kazuha-chan, maybe it's best if I just leave?" He said, backing up from Heiji's murderous glare.

"Yes!" Heiji said, as Kazuha protested, "No!"

Ryoutarou glanced between them nervously. "Right. I think I'll go then… I'll see you some other time, Kazuha-chan!"

"Fat chance!" Heiji growled and slammed the door after the other man.

"Heiji!" Kazuha started on him as soon as Ryoutarou was gone. She really needed to yell at him, but it _was_ four in the morning. She settled for a piercing whisper. "Heiji, you can't just come here unannounced, shout at all of us grumpily, and scare my friends away!"

Heiji grumbled at her scolding, much too awake for this time of day. He headed for the kitchen. "Like he was really your friend." He paused while rummaging through the pantry. "Anyways, I'm not here unannounced. You called me here!"

"I did not!" Kazuha retorted.

"Yes, you did," Heiji said around a mouthful of M&Ms. "You were frantic, said there was some sort of big bug and needed me to kill it… then you gave me a pie and danced… around…"

Kazuha's lips were pressed in a firm line. "Did I now." It wasn't a question.

"So, it might have been a dream," Heiji remarked flippantly. "But it was a good thing I came to help you with your Ryoutarou problem. He was the pest, I guess!"

Heiji laughed at his jest alone.

"Heiji…" Kazuha didn't know where to start: how he came all this way for nothing, it was _four o'clock in the morning_, he was currently eating her out of house and home, or the fact that he was now… crashing on her couch? "What do you think you're doing!"

Heiji looked at her with wide, innocent eyes. "I'm crashing here."

"B-but, why, just, why don't you just go home!" She sputtered. She snatched the sheets and pillows from him. He snatched them back.

"It's too far. It's too late. Early. Whatever." He fluffed his pillows and threw off his shoes. "It's your fault I'm here anyways, so you might as well let me sleep here."

At this, Heiji promptly closed his eyes and started to snore. Kazuha could only stare in disbelief. When she finally managed a weak "It's not my fault at all!" he was long gone.

Kazuha made her way to her bedroom before pausing and turning around. "What were you doing dreaming about me anyways?"

Heiji declined to comment.

* * *

Right! So! It's been forever and a day since my last update… and I have a very good reason for that. College! Yep. What? Summer? Now? Errrr. Job!

Anyways, this has been sitting in my harddrive half finished for about two years now, haha, as you can see by the date at the top… Dedicated to **fireblazie** who wrote me a lovely Merlin fic yesterday. Hope to be writing more… maybe. Does anyone read this anyways?

Thanks for reading (if you do) and I apologize for any and all ooc-ness that may have occurred in my long, long hiatus from DC. Good night!


End file.
